Sunday, September 11, 2016

So Shallow

I can't help but want to make a stream of comments as I watch THE SHALLOWS as I had high hopes from watching the trailer but halfway through I'm just ready to explode with frustration & questions. Spoilers ahead!

Since I'm already halfway through I'm going to fly through my thoughts so far...

Again, really looked forward to this movie since seeing the trailer but as soon as it opened with on screen graphics of phone screens I knew I was going to hate it. I fucking HATE on screen phone displays (with a few exceptions that don't come to mind).

Of course Blake Lively was a med school drop out... fuck the sexual revolution, she dun't look it and certainly dun't sell it by talking to herself.

The Gopro surf reel was cringe worthy mostly because the obvious CG replacements of Blake Lively's face onto a pro surfer. There was a time when it was ok when you could recognize a stunt performer's face instead of the actual actor.

Shit greenscreen shots & lighting. Just do shoot it on location or in an outside water tank set for fuck's sake.

Why the fuck would the shark be interested in a scrawny blond when there's a fucking fat-ass whale carcass right there for the taking.

Uh, a shark that size would've taken her leg right off. And if it did let go it would be because she doesn't taste like a fat juicy seal, which would mean it wouldn't be interested in stalking her. And again, there's a fucking whale buffet right next to her.

Why would the drunk leave only a few items but take the phone & backpack? I'm guessing the writer needs those items later?

Why would the drunk go through the trouble of retrieving the surfboard? With all his clothes on & the fucking cellphone he stole in his pocket?

Fucking hilarious. Did the shark use a hack saw & cut the drunk in half & then dump both halves of his body on the beach? WTF!

Ok now I'm going to continue watching the playback. Jeezus fucking H Christ this is going to be brutal...

As cheesy as it is, I do like the injured seagull... so far.

Now she's a fucking vet...

I can't stand that they went through the trouble of making the watch timer look wet. Who gives a shit about the exact timing!

Ok so the shark looked convincing in the reef attack.

Ok using medical terms to describe your injury doesn't convince me you're a med school drop out - you're trying way too fucking hard!

So the shark is protecting its feeding ground? From a scrawny blond? Why is it not busy eating?

Glowing fucking jellyfish - fucking gone scifi now.

Again, the CG shark attack on the bouey thingy wasn't bad.

That's what you use the shark tooth for? Fucking so unspectacular.

Do they really put flare guns on boueys so close to shore?

I guess operating a Gopro is child's play.

She's still fucking bleeding? And that much blood? That's a stretch.

Where'd the gasoline come from?

WHERE'D THE FUCKING GASOLINE SLICK COME FROM! I fucking rewound that shit to see what I missed. Is that supposed to be whale fat? Is that fucking possible!

Jeezus fucking Christ! How the fuck could she possibly come up with that plan to kill a shark with an IQ & ESP way above her? The fucking shark all of a sudden got fucking stupid! And apparently Blake Lively can magically see through turbulent water to the ocean floor.

And how the fuck was she able to suddenly stop her descent down?

If she was passed out in the ocean she would've been tossed & drown. It's not a fucking pool for Christ's sake!

Boob parallel.

Why is her POV flashback in the water when she's out of the water?

Ah shit, one fucking year later... because all shitty movies can't stop & shut the fuck up.

Is it legal for an pre-teen to say that?

Uh these overhead ocean shots look very vaginal...

Ok it's finally over over. Fuck that's got to be the most stupid ass movie of the year. Really fucking dumb.

I'm done.

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