So Shallow

I can't help but want to make a stream of comments as I watch THE SHALLOWS as I had high hopes from watching the trailer but halfway through I'm just ready to explode with frustration & questions. Spoilers ahead!

Since I'm already halfway through I'm going to fly through my thoughts so far...

Again, really looked forward to this movie since seeing the trailer but as soon as it opened with on screen graphics of phone screens I knew I was going to hate it. I fucking HATE on screen phone displays (with a few exceptions that don't come to mind).

Of course Blake Lively was a med school drop out... fuck the sexual revolution, she dun't look it and certainly dun't sell it by talking to herself.

The Gopro surf reel was cringe worthy mostly because the obvious CG replacements of Blake Lively's face onto a pro surfer. There was a time when it was ok when you could recognize a stunt performer's face instead of the actual actor.

Shit greenscreen shots & lighting. Just do shoot it on location or in an outside water tank set for fuck's sake.

Why the fuck would the shark be interested in a scrawny blond when there's a fucking fat-ass whale carcass right there for the taking.

Uh, a shark that size would've taken her leg right off. And if it did let go it would be because she doesn't taste like a fat juicy seal, which would mean it wouldn't be interested in stalking her. And again, there's a fucking whale buffet right next to her.

Why would the drunk leave only a few items but take the phone & backpack? I'm guessing the writer needs those items later?

Why would the drunk go through the trouble of retrieving the surfboard? With all his clothes on & the fucking cellphone he stole in his pocket?

Fucking hilarious. Did the shark use a hack saw & cut the drunk in half & then dump both halves of his body on the beach? WTF!

Ok now I'm going to continue watching the playback. Jeezus fucking H Christ this is going to be brutal...

As cheesy as it is, I do like the injured seagull... so far.

Now she's a fucking vet...

I can't stand that they went through the trouble of making the watch timer look wet. Who gives a shit about the exact timing!

Ok so the shark looked convincing in the reef attack.

Ok using medical terms to describe your injury doesn't convince me you're a med school drop out - you're trying way too fucking hard!

So the shark is protecting its feeding ground? From a scrawny blond? Why is it not busy eating?

Glowing fucking jellyfish - fucking gone scifi now.

Again, the CG shark attack on the bouey thingy wasn't bad.

That's what you use the shark tooth for? Fucking so unspectacular.

Do they really put flare guns on boueys so close to shore?

I guess operating a Gopro is child's play.

She's still fucking bleeding? And that much blood? That's a stretch.

Where'd the gasoline come from?

WHERE'D THE FUCKING GASOLINE SLICK COME FROM! I fucking rewound that shit to see what I missed. Is that supposed to be whale fat? Is that fucking possible!

Jeezus fucking Christ! How the fuck could she possibly come up with that plan to kill a shark with an IQ & ESP way above her? The fucking shark all of a sudden got fucking stupid! And apparently Blake Lively can magically see through turbulent water to the ocean floor.

And how the fuck was she able to suddenly stop her descent down?

If she was passed out in the ocean she would've been tossed & drown. It's not a fucking pool for Christ's sake!

Boob parallel.

Why is her POV flashback in the water when she's out of the water?

Ah shit, one fucking year later... because all shitty movies can't stop & shut the fuck up.

Is it legal for an pre-teen to say that?

Uh these overhead ocean shots look very vaginal...

Ok it's finally over over. Fuck that's got to be the most stupid ass movie of the year. Really fucking dumb.

I'm done.

These sentiments about writing make painful, I mean useful, sense to me.

Three Writing Tips From Pulitzer Prize-Winning Author Jennifer Egan

Writing is something everyone should do on some level. No matter what makes you put pen to paper, these three tips from Jennifer Egan will help as you continue your own writer’s journey.

LIFEHACKER.COM|BY PATRICK ALLAN

Mass Invite

Karyn Kusama's THE INVITATION feels a lot like the high-brow horror that recent Blumhouse films try to be but exceeds them with an intriguing, but simple, pay-off at the end. I'm not talking about the final confrontation (which is a real slow burn to get to and a bit anticlimactic since it basically teases it the whole film), no I'm talking about the very last 2 or 3 shots of the film which bring back that classic horror theme that no matter how intimate fear can be, the idea of Horror is much bigger.

Just HUSH please

Yet another horror film that's been getting a baffling amount of praise is HUSH (now on Netflix). It starts out great (like THE PURGE) but just completely falls apart (like THE PURGE) with so many unanswered motives and just absurdly inept characters. THE BABADOOK and IT FOLLOWS were certainly over-hyped but they are in fact solid films. No HUSH is more in line with the frustrating stupidity of YOU'RE NEXT. I've even read comparisons to THE STRANGERS. Please! THE STRANGERS blows all the aforementioned films out of the water.

And if you're going to play the deaf-mute card then don't break that reality with her f***** talking, even if it's in her mind - I get the reasoning but it just reinforces the lack of back-bone to cast an actual deaf-mute to play the part.

Bruce has left the building

Had this dream last night where Bruce Lee had just passed away and there was a crowded funeral procession making there way through a narrow Chinatown alley way and into a small urban temple. Since there were far too many people to get past I decided to hang out in an apartment building next door to the temple - it was some friend or family acquaintances's house and there were other people lounging about. While being bored in that cramped living space I noticed an older woman carefully make her way in and then a few minutes later out of a door that was labeled "Do Not Enter" in Chinese. Of course I can't speak or read Chinese so it's a mystery as to how I knew what the sign said. Regardless I decided to check it out and somehow rationalized that since we were next door to the temple there must be some underground passage that connected the two buildings. Sure enough as I headed down a steep set of cob-web infested stairs I eventually found a ramp that led up directly to the stage where a rock band was playing a tribute to Bruce. Even though I was quite careful not to be seen I suddenly heard "He's got a gun!" and everyone looked to me standing there in the passageway. I run back as the zombie like mob chased me through the tunnels. I made my way back to the apartment building, locked the door shut, and took a seat pretending nothing had happened.

Hey I don't make this s*** up, I just dream it.

The Franchise Awakens

Finally saw STAR WARS: TFA - it does almost everything JURASSIC WORLD did but better in terms of riding the good-will of the franchise. Really enjoyed it but I have to say that it's kind of sad how George Lucas tried so hard (probably too hard) to actually develop a deeper SW world of characters and plot with the prequels but got spat on for his lacking direction. Whereas JJ Abrams practically did nothing inherently new with the narrative but won over audiences with a relentless assault of flash, bang, and inside-joke elbow nudges (I was actually laughing at how aggressive it was at times). So the 1st round was fun but the next will have offer a lot more than a bunch of nostalgia interrupted by an endless string of inciting incidences.

Dreams

Been awhile since I dreamed and remembered it. This one was certainly surreal. It was never explicitly stated but I was most definitely Spiderman. I don't quite remember whst happened earlier in the dream but at some point I lost my powers and was trying to get back home. On my way trying to swing through a jungle of steel supports (in an ally or under a bridge) a web slinger fails and I get stuck where a gang that hates me captures me. As the gang tries to burn me with acid, I flip a table that we sit at causing the leader to spill acid on himself and splash it in the floor. I jump onto the acid-weakened floor and go crashing through. I am helped by my escape by Archie (from CSULB) and a frantic hispanic woman with 2 kids. When I get home I felt so happy to be safe within familiar walls eventhough my room was practically empty. As I'm frantically looking around my room the 2 kids go off looking for trouble and I stop them from alerting Aunt May. Archie for some reason looked lost.